Did you have sex while you were away?
I knew she was going to ask.
I am prepared, and yet, there is always a tension…
We are waking up together… I am not sure how this will go – our relationship is young –
but I am confident because I have been here before.
I am confident because I am true to myself,
I am confident because I care for her.
“Did you have sex while you were away?”
– Are you curious, or can you not help yourself from asking?
“I am curious.”
– … (gauging the truth of that) … I don’t think you want to make it your business. Please be careful what you ask for. I will tell you this though: I did not and will not promise you sexual exclusivity. That is a promise I will not make. Whether or not I had sex is not your business, unless you really want to make it yours. And I don’t think you do.
I look her in the eye and smile kindly.
She turns away.
She turns back.
She slaps me.
She gets up in protest.
I pull her back, pull her panties down, and ravish her.
She loves it.
Here is the deal.
It would have been easy for me to say “No, I did not have sex.” It would have been convenient, because I did not.
It would have been easy to answer her question truthfully, and avoid the real matter.
It would have been convenient to not address the real issue underlying her question.
But this is not about me having had sex with another woman or not.
There is a bigger issue at stake here, and I take the responsibility to address that issue before I am ever put in the position of answering her about it.
The real issue of this conversation is sexual exclusivity, the expectation thereof, the promise, the assumption… and so I address the matter before she does. I lead that conversation. And I am sincere in it. This is my way to carve our relationship.
Can you see how ‘honesty’ becomes a relational issue?
Can you see the importance of leading that conversation in order avoid that my or her assumptions, expectations or willful ignorance destroys the relationship that we are forming?
p.s. Here is a video I made on this very same issue.