Author: Hans Comyn

Recently, I made a facebook post and a YouTube video on why ‘getting into a relationship’ is terrible for your relationships. In a way, to get ‘together’ with someone is often the beginning of the end of a relationship.

I received many reactions to the video, and several of you asked me what it means to focus on relating to each other.

What does it mean to relate well?

I have no sure recipe for successful relationships, but I know several practices that certainly help.

These are in my experience the 5 best ways to improve your relationships right now.

1. Commit to connection

For relationships to work, you need 2 people who want to make it work. 2 partners who are committed to make it work, no matter what. With empathy across the table, everything is possible. Without it, all is lost.

2. Commit to openness

Co-create a safe place where both of the partners feel secure to share anything they want to share with the other. To create this space, both have to commit to openness.

3. Practice fighting gracefully

The quality of your relationships is not determined by the absence of disagreements, but by how you deal with disagreement. Check out Doctor Gottman and avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse : criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.

4. Practice emptiness

When listening (and talking), practice emptiness by getting rid of judgment, preconceptions, expectations. How prepared are you to change the assumptions you have about your partner or the people you meet right now? Practice presence and just being with the other (in their world).

5. Practice seduction

Seduction is the secret ingredient of every thriving relationship. When the previous 4 ways will help you improve your friendship, seduction will keep the romance, the passion alive. Keep seducing your wife!

The last practice is probably the hardest one, and it is why I do what I do. Half of the work is your intention and commitment to keep seducing each other. For the other half, contact me and join our community.

Which of these practices are you already doing? Can you suggest any other practices that have helped you in your relationships?

Hans Comyn

Seek to be seduced

One should always seek to be seduced.

It is the only thing that matters, it is your number one concern.

So as not to succumb to the invisible powers of the almighty mundane,

which suck you in and drag you down,

one must seek to be seduced without respite.

But seduced by what?

By women, by beauty, music, poetry or virtue, as you please,

but seek to be seduced.

And when you find yourself stuck in traffic,

walking the bleak hallways of an office,

or yearning in the dark solitude of your room,

seduction fading or died out,

ask the wind, the birds, the waves, the stars, your Gods,

anything that whispers, sings, roars, shines or speaks to you,

ask them what to do.

And the wind, the birds, the waves, the stars, your Gods… they will all reply:

“Seek to be seduced!”

To not become martyred slaves of everything that is common,

seek to be seduced,

and be relentless in your pursuit!

By women, by beauty, music, poetry or virtue, as you please,

but seek to be seduced.

Adaptation of ‘Enivrez-vous’ by Charles Baudelaire

From “The Way of a Seducer – A Code of Honor in the Land of Women“

Have you ever had a good encounter with a girl, but afterwards she does not reply to your messages?
Or a date that felt good, but afterwards she becomes unresponsive?
You can feel she likes you, but she still disappears…

How often does it happen that a girl you like, likes you back?
It is frustrating then that even those girls don’t reply… or disappear from your life.

I will tell you why.

Yesterday, I was talking with my friend Martin.
He told me he had met a girl. They talked online and she was very responsive to his messages. They went on a date. It went well. He felt she liked him. And he liked her. They bid farewell, and she told him with enthusiasm: “I will be seeing you again.”

The next day, he sends her a message telling her he enjoyed the evening. He also invites her for a next date.

24 hours later and she still has not replied…

Martin is annoyed and asks me what is going on.
Instinctively I answer him: “Even if a woman likes you, she may not answer your messages. Hell, she may even disappear from your life… .”

His frustration grows. It does not make sense to him. “But why would she not answer when she likes me? If I like a girl, I always reply.”

For the first time I ponder upon an explanation for this intuitive truth…  A few seconds later, I find a way to articulate it.

The best explanation resides in the different context they live in. Women live in abundance, while men live in scarcity… that is why they behave different.

Let me clarify.
Beautiful women live in a context of abundance that few men will ever reach. Because of her beauty, she gets solicited constantly. If a woman has any beauty, we have several men working on her. We swamp her with likes, with messages, with questions and requests…

It is only natural that she forgets to answer some of those, even if she has the full intention to do so.
(I understand this. I get so many questions from men, that I forget to answer some of them, even if I have the intention to do so.)

On top of that, the context of abundance means that she is in no hurry to act on it – at least less so than men. Even if she likes you, and you like her, she knows that that situation will happen again soon enough.

A man however, experiences the situation of liking a girl that likes him as a rarity. So he will act on it fast. And he certainly won’t forget!

This is why she is not responding to him even if she likes him.
This is why my friend is frustrated that she is not responding to him, even though she likes him.

For the women, does that describe your situation well?
For the men, have you even been in a similar situation? How did you solve it?

Hans

P.s. What to do about it, you ask?
Because of situations like this, the focus of the Way of a Seducer course is broad. Not only do we focus on ‘outer’ and ‘inner’ game – say the interaction itself and our own growth. We also focus on the bigger picture. We try to understand the context of men and women in order to help men like Martin. If you want to take 1 of the last 2 seats for our November class, send me a message now. Here, on facebook, instagram or via gmail.

An essential trait of any intimate relationship is to be inclusive with your partner.
To be inclusive of the other means that you take (part of) the responsibility in making sure the other knows about the things that matter between each other.  You make sure that things are clear.

To be inclusive does NOT mean you have to be verbally explicit about everything.  To make sure things are clear does not mean you have to bluntly say everything. It does not mean you have to practice radical honesty at all times. In fact, oftentimes, to be verbally explicit can do more harm than good. 

The danger with making things verbally explicit, with being overt is that it turns individual knowledge into mutual knowledge. Being overt turns the ‘she knows’ into a ‘she knows that I know that she knows’ and this can change the way you relate to one another forever.

This is the essential point of seductive speech and communication in relationships that fewer men than women get. Yet, it is essential for the thriving of your relationships.

To articulate it more, watch this fantastic video, and watch for the difference between individual and mutual knowledge, and the importance of innuendo and indirect speech.

https://youtu.be/3-son3EJTrU

If men and women want to understand each other better, they better understand this.

Silence, innuendo and indirect language are essential tools to make sure she knows, without forcing her to face it. To make sure she knows without forcing her to address it. To make sure she knows without laying it all into the open. To make sure she knows without risking the damage caused by bluntness.

Silence, innuendo and indirect language are essential to seductive speech because it gives her the freedom to be able to say “It just happened.”
Silence, innuendo and indirect language are essential to relationship communication because it makes sure she does not feel cheated when the truth is brought into the open.

A good innuendo is indirect but perfectly clear.

Hans Comyn

Seduction is simple, but it is not easy.

Seduction is as simple as getting the timing right.
Seduction is as hard as getting the timing right.

Like when fishing, you have to wait until the fish swallows the hook. If you reel in too late, the fish will be gone. If you reel in too soon, the fish will escape.
Like in a Mexican standoff, if you draw too soon, you jerk and miss. If you draw too late, you are dead.
Like when dancing…
Like in comedy…

Timing is the secret to seduction as it clarifies how seduction can keep eluding us even though we understand everything.
Timing is the secret to seduction as it shows how seduction relies on intuition, that is, your instinct sharpened by your experience.
Timing shows there are no quick fixes to becoming a great seducer.
Timing shows that the ‘how to’ of seduction stops the moment you encounter Her.

When you accept timing as the secret to seduction, you understand you can stop thinking about what to say next.

You can think in preparation, you can think in reflection, debrief and analysis, but you can stop thinking in seduction. You can let go of everything you think you know.
Led by the nose, by your senses… present with her, staying alert, a master of ceremony for the ancient ritual of seduction.

Listen to the silence at the core of the encounter with this Woman.
It will not fail you.

Hans

Man’s anger is a gift, even though he’s been told a kazillion times the opposite.

From working with thousands of men over the years, it has become clear to me that anger, more than sex, is the biggest taboo in our day and age.  As men, even more than for our sexual desires, we are guilt tripped into thinking anger is a bad thing. By men, by women, our parents, our teachers, the media…

Countless times we are shown what pain aggression has caused the world, and we have come to associate anger with that pain.

We believe anger and aggression are the same thing, but they are not.

Anger is a feeling. Anger just is.
Anger is a feeling, that can be expressed negatively or positively.
We can use anger constructively in the form of assertiveness.
We can re-act negatively to that feeling, resulting in aggression.

Examples of using anger constructively are anger as impetus for personal growth, artistic creation, or boundary control with the people in our life.

The surest way to be a slave to the feeling of anger and remain unable to use it constructively is by presupposing anger is bad, by ignoring it, by running away from it…

In order to become an integrated man, one needs to acknowledge and accept one’s anger. It is only through awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance of one’s anger, of what is, that a man can choose assertiveness, that is to use it in a constructive way.

During the Way of a Seducer course, we spend 2 weeks becoming aware and starting to accept our anger.
The way we do it is through self-expression, inclusive of the other.

Hans

p.s. HERE is an artistic example of how I used my anger in a constructive way.

I commit. I thrive on commitments. I believe they are the cornerstone of every relationship.

Just not in the way most assume it…

When I speak about commitments, I am not talking about the vague, presupposition-ridden and half-assed ‘we’ll see how it goes’ kind of commitment that is rampant in our day and age.

To me, commitment means something different in at least two ways.

One, a commitment means that the alternative is no longer an option.
When I commit to finishing my book, not finishing the book is no longer an option. I will work towards it until it is done.
When I commit to taking responsibility for my own happiness, I will never blame you for the way I feel.
When we commit to connection, I will stay and try to make it work, no matter what.

Because the alternative is no longer an option, a commitment like that will set you free.

Two, to make a commitment is a very deliberate act.
Since the alternative is no longer an option, it becomes very important what it is exactly that you commit to.
And so, this deliberate act requires careful consideration and clarity. The commitment must be understood, and may therefor require for you to articulate it explicitly, announce it, or have it agreed upon by the other.

I love the idea of exchanging vows in a relationship for example, but they are a far cry from the traditional inconsiderate vows too many marriages seem to be founded upon. (If you have any doubts about that, ask 10 married couples about their vows, and count how many of them have clarity about the promises they made to each other … for life!)

In my relationships, I commit to doing everything I can to keep myself happy.
I commit to not holding the other responsible for my happiness.
I commit to non-violent communication.
I commit to avoid criticism, blaming, judging, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.
I commit to connection.
I commit to rawness.

Would you commit that?

Hans Comyn

p.s. Read more here.

All through my twenties and well into my thirties, I was not particularly popular with women.

Every now and then, however, I attracted a beautiful woman, and once these women got to know me better, they rarely wanted to leave. I seemed to speak to their imagination.

In hindsight, I realize that my forte with women has been my ‘verticality’, as one of them called it. The fact that I would do everything to please her, but always for my own reasons. I could not accept when a woman crossed my boundaries, and would never sell my soul to her, however good-looking or beautiful. I was always prepared to leave and never feared being left.

Many years later, it crystallized to me that if a man is lacking in anything in order to tap into his full seductive prowess, he is lacking in integrity. Even when he is charming, and the kind of man she likes the company of and to converse with; if this man is not in the dreams of beautiful women, it is because he stands for nothing or very little. There is not much that he can be trusted for.

If this man wants to be a great seducer, his primary and overarching focus should be to discover and create – to carve – his integrity.

Throughout history and from what I have gathered on my travels, no great seducer was ever a moral guardian, but each one of them had strong integrity. I would go as far as saying that the abundance a woman experiences from her beauty, a man can only attain through fame or his integrity.

Everywhere in the world, women wonder: ‘Where have the real men gone?’.

What she is aching for, I believe, is a man of integrity, a man who stands for something. A man worthy of her trust. She wants to find a man she can trust enough to surrender to.

In this day and age, the invisible powers of the almighty mundane loom in every corner. They drag us down, suck our soul and kill us slowly.
Few of us wake up to the idea that to resist these powers is the fight of our lives. Something is not quite right, so we sense, but we have become so good at tolerating our plight that we end up giving in and settle for less than we dreamed of. Like frogs in gradually freezing water, growing more numb with every dropping degree.

A critical step in becoming a seductive man is to find and fight those drag-ons. To recognize their power and stand unwavering. To not give in, to never settle, or – if necessary – to fight back.

To seduce is an act of rebellion.

A man committed to fight that battle till the bitter end instantly becomes the fantasy of beautiful women. Such a man grows from a man she likes the company of, to the man she cannot stop thinking about. That integrity is an indispensable condition for every glorious seduction. Such verticality is a prerequisite for a man to keep seducing his Woman.

A man has to be upright, so as to allow Her to be frivolous.

From the foreword of ‘the Way of a Seducer – A Code of Honor in the Land of Women‘

Go out and meet women. 

Desire women. Worship them. Get nervous and talk to Her anyway.

Absolutely love, love, LOVE women. 

Celebrate the whole of womanhood in every woman you meet.

Get rejected. Lose gracefully. Talk to more women. Date every woman who wants to date you.

Ask her everything you want to know about love. 

Listen. Listen beyond her words. Make up your own mind.

Fall madly in love. Feel everything you are invited to feel.

Kiss. Kiss some more. Kiss as often as you can.

Stop trying to be cool. Blurt. Mess it up. Feel sick to your stomach.

Share your sadness. Share your fear. Share your enthusiasm.

Open up your heart and be the first to say “I love you”.

Be the boyfriend,  be the lover, be the husband… make love your supreme concern.

Feel exhilaration, feel hurt, feel loss, feel stupid… have your heart broken, leave each other with dignity, be down in the dumps, forgive, pick yourself up, and do it all over again.

To give all in love,
without regard for a broken heart,
is rarely reciprocated.

However,
to hold back for fear the other will give less,
proves you right every single time.

Don’t hedge your bets.
It is better to trust and be betrayed,
than to mistrust and find out you were right.

If you try to avoid entanglements or every encounter from going to ruin,
not one of them will be memorable.
A man who does not want to get hurt in love will never be blessed by beauty.

However,
a man who seeks to be struck not by an everyday woman,
but rather by a woman of beauty,
will bear witness to marvelous glory,
especially in loss.

from ‘the Way of a Seducer‘
read the book here.

There are 3 experiences that will teach you everything about life and love you want to know.

Words, courses, books, workshops,… may serve as valuable guides in your journey through life, but there is no better teacher than the experience itself.

To have those experiences, you have to create those experiences. Once you show up and create those experiences, the experiences themselves will provide all the answers to your questions. They will teach you everything you want to know about life and love.

If you want to become a better dancer, show up at the dance. If you want to be better with women, show up in the land of women. If you want to be good at living life, create these 3 experiences:

1. Go and live by yourself

To live by yourself is often a great first opportunity to start designing your life. Who am I today and what do I want my life to look like? What do I want? What is my authentic desire? What do I truly love? What are my priorities? To live by yourself not only offers a great opportunity to ask yourself these questions; it will also provide the first answers.

Note : You are not living by yourself if you are not doing your own laundry! 🙂

2. Go travel

To travel far and wide adds perspective to your own vision. It puts your own convictions into perspective, so you can make more deliberate choices. To see new cultures, to meet different people, to be immersed in nature… opens up new worlds, and with each new perspective, you gain perspective. To gain perspective helps you become aware of your assumptions, of your default perspective, and by becoming aware, you gain the freedom to make more deliberate choices about what you want your life to look like.

3. To meet magnificent women (for women, to meet magnificent men)

Women are excellent mirrors; they will show you where you are at in life. And it takes a truly feminine, magnificent woman to unlock your full masculine power. When you meet beautiful (not hot) women, you start understanding your role as a man on this earth. Beautiful women inspire you to be an authentic man of integrity.

You are not a man till you hear it from the lips of a beautiful woman…

Hans Comyn